Self-esteem is something that I’ve grappled with for much of my life. It’s a complex and deeply personal journey, but over time, I’ve learned that improving self-esteem isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about embracing who you are and valuing yourself for the unique individual you are.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Before diving into ways to improve self-esteem, it’s important to understand what it is. Self-esteem refers to the overall sense of worth or value that we assign to ourselves. It’s how we perceive ourselves, how we believe others perceive us, and how we react to both success and failure.

According to psychologist Nathaniel Branden, this concept is made up of two main components: self-efficacy (the belief in our ability to face life’s challenges) and self-respect (the belief that we are deserving of happiness and success). When both of these elements are in balance, we’re more likely to feel confident and secure in who we are.

How to improve our self-esteem

1. Practice Self-Compassion

One of the most transformative practices I’ve discovered in my journey to improving self-esteem is self-compassion. Instead of harshly criticizing myself when I make mistakes, I’ve learned to treat myself with the same kindness and understanding that I would offer to a friend.

Research by Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, has shown that people who practice self-compassion tend to have higher levels of self-esteem. Her studies suggest that self-compassion helps break the cycle of self-criticism and allows us to approach challenges with a more balanced and realistic mindset. The next time you catch yourself being overly critical, try to pause and reframe your thoughts with kindness.

2. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is one of the biggest barriers to healthy self-esteem. It’s that inner voice that tells you you’re not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. Overcoming this requires actively challenging these thoughts.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers a practical approach to changing negative thought patterns. According to research, CBT techniques such as identifying and reframing negative thoughts can be effective in boosting self-esteem. When you notice negative self-talk, try to question its validity. Ask yourself, “Is this thought based on facts, or is it just an assumption?” Replacing these negative thoughts with more balanced, positive ones can gradually improve your self-esteem.

I would honestly say that becoming equipped with the tools to challenge negative self-talk was the most pivotal thing I learned in therapy that changed my life for the better. It is a fundamental part of what I offer in coaching sessions.

3. Set Realistic Goals

Setting and achieving goals is an excellent way to build self-esteem, but it’s crucial to ensure that these goals are realistic. Unrealistic goals can set you up for failure, which can damage your self-esteem.

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that setting small, achievable goals can help build self-efficacy, one of the key components of self-esteem. Start by setting a goal that is within your reach, and then celebrate the progress you make towards it. This will create a positive feedback loop, where each success builds your confidence and encourages you to keep moving forward.

4. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences

The people we surround ourselves with can have a significant impact on our self-esteem. Toxic relationships, where you’re constantly criticised or belittled, can erode your self-worth over time. On the other hand, supportive relationships can help you feel valued and understood.

Research has shown that social support is a critical factor in maintaining and improving self-esteem. A study published in Psychological Science found that individuals who receive positive feedback from their peers are more likely to experience increases in self-esteem. Seek out relationships where you feel respected, appreciated, and supported. And don’t be afraid to distance yourself from those who bring you down.

Another piece of important advice: you can't reason with people who are unreasonable. Best to just step away.

5. Celebrate Your Strengths and Achievements

In our quest for self-improvement, it’s easy to focus on our flaws and shortcomings. However, it’s equally important to recognise and celebrate our strengths and achievements. This doesn’t mean ignoring areas where we can improve, but rather, acknowledging what we do well.

Positive psychology emphasises the importance of recognizing and building on our strengths. Research by Dr. Martin Seligman, one of the founders of positive psychology, suggests that focusing on our strengths can lead to increased well-being and self-esteem. Take some time to reflect on your accomplishments, no matter how small, and remind yourself of the unique qualities that make you who you are.

6. Embrace Imperfection

This is a hard one; but one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is to embrace imperfection. None of us are perfect, and striving for perfection is often a recipe for frustration and low self-esteem. Instead, I’ve found peace in accepting myself as a work in progress—someone who is constantly growing, learning, and evolving.

Research shows that people with high self-esteem tend to have a realistic understanding of their strengths and weaknesses. They accept their imperfections and see them as part of what makes them human. By embracing imperfection, you can free yourself from the unrealistic expectations that often lead to disappointment and self-criticism.

Conclusion

Improving self-esteem is not about becoming someone else; it’s about learning to value and appreciate who you are. It’s a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs. As you take these steps, remember that self-esteem is not a destination—it’s a continuous process of growth and self-acceptance.

As I continue on my own journey, I’m reminded that building self-esteem isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being perfectly you. And that, I believe, is something worth celebrating.